The sense of nothing

Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. Hold for 5. Hold for 3. Lay on your back with your feet up and breath through your nose. Relax your hands. Why are you clenching your jaw? Relax your feet. Why is your hand in a fist? Deep breath. A flash of my ex just came into frame. Exhale. Exhale for 7. Count back down from 10.

I have a hard time being present. Being present feels like my hands are sweating.

I am in the moment. Enjoying. Laughing. Oh this food taste so good. Laugh Laugh Laugh. and then I feel it. My brain shifting. Taking off into a whole new realm. Suddenly I am not at the dinner table enjoying the company around me. Suddenly it’s 3 am and I’m sitting in a truck lot. Half asleep while his phone plays random sitcoms in the background. My eyes heavy from sleep and smoke. I thought life stopped there.

“Do you want more wine?” The waiter. Oh my goodness, we are at dinner. “Yes! Please, so sorry. Oh Tonya I meant to ask you, how are you and Chris?” Okay, I got a question out. They think I am listening. I am listening. I wish they would bring more bread out. Then suddenly I smell it. There’s salt in the air. Suddenly it’s last summer and I am on the beach. The salt flowing from my eyes mixing with the salt in the air. The grass feels good on my skin. The iced coffee I was drinking, now a melted pool of sand. The phone keeps ringing and no one is answering. Kids are playing. God, the ocean is beautiful. I’m hyperventilating. Someone drops a cup in the restaurant. I am back.

Some days I feel like I am trapped in a never ending peloton class in my brain. Asking myself, “Could we please just focus on that one cloud?” Hold the thought. Hold no thoughts. Hold it. Hold it. Physically I can feel my brain about to shift onto something else. The cloud is moving and so is my brain. As my brain starts to slip, I reach out and catch it.

I’ve been working on controlling my focus. Taking time to take up time. To actually breath. Being apart. If not the present moment, then the feelings that arise in them and walking through them. A dog walker of emotions, each one pulling me into different directions. All I have is now. Me, the cutting board in front of me and the fruit I am about to devour. The house music that is drifting through my apartment. And the sounds of the bubbles fizzing up in my sparkling water. Which reminds me, bubble breathing, 1, 2, 3, 4,…..