The sense of nothing

All of this started happening last year. And by “all of this,” I mean the pull to go elsewhere. Be anywhere else then we’re I’m at right now. Sigh.

Moving. It has come to this. The city I currently live in has been my home for a decade. I’ve watched it change and expand. I have been switched around like a Rubik’s cube whilst living here. Thrown into an extra long rinse cycle and survived to tell the tale. Last year I felt like the zipper on myself broke. Everything could no longer fit into my life’s suitcase. Everything I’ve experienced, felt and held dear to me was seeping out. I would collect it all like water in my palms and try to place it back inside but there were holes in the suitcase I never noticed. Little rivers of myself seeping into the floor.

The suitcase of this city. The suitcase of my relationships with people. The suitcase of my mindset. It was all falling apart. I had met the capacity of what I could hold. Old behaviors were attempting to mix with my new routines. Oil and water. I found myself self-sabotaging because I could not comprehend the craving for growth I was having. I was walking in quick sand. I went back in forth in my head playing a losing game of ping pong until I gave in.

The idea of moving burrowed into my head like those worms from Dune. I wanted to move and more importantly I needed to move. There was nothing left for me here except the safety of the familiar. The memories of my life here were etched in the air, floating statues always in my peripheral. The roots of my life here have come to surface and it’s time to be re-potted.

I want to know what the birds sound like elsewhere.

Here I am. On a farewell tour of sorts. Going through the days embracing the version of me that has come out of this decade. Watering the seed of change that has taken root in my life and is bringing forth a bounty that cannot be zipped up. The thought of boxes and movers give me a quick jolt of anxiety mixed with adrenaline. Mom help. But I’m here. I’m open to the change. My palms are outstretched, collecting it all.