The sense of nothing

On the tip of my tongue sits the coming of spring. Like flower petals I begin to open up and shed the armor that I have shrouded my body with during winter. Nature turned towards hibernation but outside of my window the sky was still blue. No snow on the island this year, we can try again next year. A breeze from the north blew in and the mornings had a tippy toe of chill. I almost wanted to pull my sweaters out of storage. I almost wanted to walk around in wool socks. Living in a place that does not have a normal winter when I’d grown up with stereotypical winters my whole life had left me wanting. Everything outside was still green but inside I felt the burning of a fireplace. I started drinking hot coffees again to simulate cold hands being warmed. I dreamed of icicles. When the fireworks cracked in the sky, I made no resolutions. No need to be someone different when I already struggle to be myself.

Every Sunday I water the orchids. A routine I have slipped into my daily life as simple as brushing my teeth. It requires me to go outside. To open the front door and remember that there are trees in our backyard. I sometimes “forget” to go outside. I get all tangled in my mind and forget about the rest of me. My body laying limp and un-sun’d while I play out random scenarios inside my brain. Working myself up into an anxiety tornado that did not need to be. Then I remember that there is an outside. What a beautiful gift to be an able to GO. Every single time I have stepped into the sun I have felt better. Whatever I was tormenting myself or chewing into a paste is spit out and evaporated. The wind. Oh the wind is always around. Whether a breeze or in a gust, I fear when the air is still. I pray for myself to reach stillness. I stand in the sun with eyes closed facing it. I ask it to cleanse me. To carry all the thoughts of human life away in the breeze to land on the ground as a stick and to be used by a bird to make a nest. I ask the flowers to bloom again so that I know that there is always a chance to start over. I let the ant crawl up my leg, to feel something outside of me, something I could never create.

You can delay yourself with the idea of boredom until you’ve removed yourself completely from your life. You can live in your mind so long that you look at the window and the sun is already setting. I had to get sick of myself enough to begin. I didn’t see any snow on the coconut trees this year but I let myself try. The more I take a shovel and bury my ideas, the more the treasure map changes and the x moves to a different spot. No snow on the coconut trees but I opened my hands to the sky and the bees landed on my fingers. The rainstorms came and I opened the curtains to watch the sky flash like a disco ball. The full moons came and told me to try again. I dug up my treasure, I opened the chest.

I am open to wonder,

T ❤